shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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