I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
