Me. At least after what I've been through.
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
