I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
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