don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
