I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
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