I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
