I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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