I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Randomize
