Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
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