My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Acid is not a monday night drug
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
