Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
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