dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
