At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
I want her autograph on my taint
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Randomize
