we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
