Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
