I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
I had to cum in my sink.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
