So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
