just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
