I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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