We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
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