isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I am mentally ready for anal.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
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