a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
So squirting runs in the family.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
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