just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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