The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
