im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
As shirtless as possible
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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