i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
How's work?
Spinning.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
