he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
