Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
