I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
