chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
you traded sex for a burrito?
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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