Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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