You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
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