My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
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