Even water is tasting like jack daniels
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
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