Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
