Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
This baby is an asshole
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
