So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
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