Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Randomize
