i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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