This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
