I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Randomize
