We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
There's always time for handjobs
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
