I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Randomize
