I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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