Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
