I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
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