My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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