meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
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