apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
