i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
